The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.
A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.
Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial and a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.
We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that companies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard.
Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.
We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.
By Michael Crenlinsten
MERRY XMAS FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS MEGAN / CHRIS (BRADLEY EVANS FAMILY )
The Griever's Bill of Rights / Alicia Calantone (Friend of moms ) The Griever's Bill of Rights For The Holidays You have a right to say, TIME OUT!, anytime you need to. Time out to let up, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" time and start over.
You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS. When people ask, "How are you…?" You have a right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.*(*P.S. You also have the right to smile and say you're fine, because telling them how you really feel, isn't worth your time - some people will never understand anyway)
You have the right to SOME "BAH HUMBUG" DAYS. You don't have to be "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just because you don't feel like singing Christmas carols all day.
You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says you must always do Christmas the same way. You can do 10 cards instead of 100 - or no cards at all! You can open presents at somebody else's house. You can do without a tree. You can have a pizza instead of turkey! - the list is endless.
You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or at the relatives. Be in any city, any state you choose! NOBODY SAID YOU HAVE TO HAVE SNOW TO HAVE CHRISTMAS. There's no law that says you must stay home!
You have a right to SOME FUN! When you have a day that isn't so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it! Don't be afraid of what someone else will say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit as important as tears!
You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly be overwhelmed. When that happens, it's all right to change your mind. There's plenty of time in life to be predictable. Exercise your right to change when you need to.
You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time. Open presents at a different time. Serve your meal at a different time. Give up and go to bed at a different time. Don't be a slave to the holiday clock.
You have a right to REST, PEACE, and SOLITUDE. You don't need to be busy all the time. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take time to pray and meditate to recharge your spirit, it can do you much more good than eating another huge meal.
You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. Just because you change things one year: try on something different, does not mean you have written it in stone. Next year, you can always change it back or do it, in yet, another new way. One thing I know for certain is that is easier to let people know you are hurting. It is much easier than hurting all by yourself. I say this from experience.
some pictures for you / Holli's Mom
Karen,
I have been working on some graphics for Megan. I am just learning so the next ones will be better. I have started doing this to keep my mind off of everything. It's my therepy, lol. I am really trying to get the ornaments right. I know how I want them, just can't figure it out yet. Call me sometime. I tried calling you a couple of weeks ago, was coming down there but couldn't get you.
You and Meg are always in my thoughts. When I think of holli, I actually picture meg beside her. Makes it a little better knowing they are there together.
Love you and sending many hugs and prayers your way.
Thankgiving/ Mom
This Thanksgiving I am thankful that God allowed me to have you for 20 beautiful years. I love you, Meg.
Another Halloween...... / Mom
Well Meg, another Halloween has come and gone and you weren't here to help me hand out candy. I know we always talked about handing out the Mardi Gras beads that we caught at all the parades in Monroe, but I just can't bring myself to give them away. You and I caught those together. They come with alot of memories. So every year I give out 4 or 5 strands. You promised me you would be here to help me through this life, but you're not. They tell me that the second year is the hardest. I do find that it gets harder every day. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost without you. I miss you so much. Stay close to me. I love you. Mom
A year, a lifetime.... / Mom Meg, it just doesn't seem like it's been a year. Yet it seems like a lifetime ago. Where did my year go? You were just here and now you're gone. Nothing is important to me anymore. The things of this world are just that, things. They don't mean a thing. I have so much I want to tell you. We've got so many movies to catch up on. Why does everyone else still have their daughters and their life goes on while mine is completely shattered? It's not fair. I know that this is all part of God's plan, but I just can't see how his plan could take my only child. We were so close. We shared everything. Thank you for making those 20 years of my life the best 20 I'll ever have. I love you more than anything.
some pictures for you / A. Friend
Thinking of you today / Tammy (mom To Holli)
You are in my prayers Call me anytime I will always be here for you!
Megan thinking of you. / Sue~ Mom To Ashley Trapp Hi Megan,
I'm thinking of you and your family this day and always. You will always be remembered and forever loved. This candle will burn its eternal flame in your memory forever!
God Bless, Sue, Ashley's Mom
Forever, but just yesterday... / Dad (Meggie's Dad ) Meg, words can't explain the feeling of losing you. A year has gone by, but it still seems like yesterday. I guess I get by, by remembering all of the times that we did have together. When you were little , I'd lay in bed with you trying to get you to fall asleep and you would want me to rub your belly, saying "scratch" every time that I would stop rubbing, meaning that I usually would rub your belly till one of us fell asleep. The memories will always be with me, even though you are not. The empty feeling will always be there, but knowing that you are in heaven with God, it makes me proud that I'm an "Angel dad".
Watch over us always... I love You, Precious Angel
Missing you so much / Leah Seamans (best friend ) I woke up this morning to hear your song playing Meg, and just had to come put them up on your site...
My Immortal Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
Missing you / Jessica Mathews (best friend ) I miss you more than ever today. It's been a year, but seems like a week. I'll never have another friend with the bond we shared. I love you Meg. Be with your Mom today.
Thinking of your family / Alicia Calantone (Friend of her mom ) Today, in Heaven, a young angel, went to our Father's throne This angel said "Dear Lord, today, my family just cant be left alone
The angel said "My heavenly father, I've been in Heaven exactly a year wearing wings mad of silver and gold while their faces are stained with tears
They are going to need me today, to give comfort and ease their pain I want to surround them with all my love cause their tears still flow like rain
You had a family, too, Lord who felt the pain of losing you They know what it is like for a family to feel misery the whole day through
Our father looked at this precious angel who was kneeling at his throne He said "Take a band of angels with you So your family wont feel alone"
As you embrace them with your love I'll be reaching down with loving arms I'll touch them with my love and assurance that you will protect them from all harm
Oh! What a sight it will be today to see these angels with golden wings Following that precious angel to their hearts Bringing all the love and comfort they could bring
Yes, your angel is always with you all no matter what the circumstance so when you feel that tug at your hearts know its Megan bringing comfort and love to all Her mother, father, friends, grandparents, uncles & aunts
In memory of Meg / Tammy(mom To Holli)
I light this candle in remembrance of Megan Lynn. We were blessed to have this Angel for 20 years. Her love will forever live on in the memories of those who love and miss her. Rest in Peace Dear Meg.
“You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
Thinking of You Today / Dianne White/Mom Of Angel Nicholas
Meggie/ Carolyn Adcock (Aunt) My niece was a special young lady. She had a soft, lyrical voice and a beautiful smile. She never wanted to be the center of attention - much the opposite. She was a quiet and shy person. She loved her mom so much, and they did everything together. They were each other's best friend. She helped her mom and herself through many difficult times. I would like to have half the courage that she had. I will never stop loving her or missing her, and I feel her presence and her spirit with us. I thank God for the time she had with her mom and with the rest of us, and for the many happy memories we have of her. Thanks, Meggie, for touching our lives with your love.
What If...... / Mom I often think about the "what ifs" alot. What if on this day last year in October GOD would have come to me and said, "I'm taking Megan home to live with me in Paradise one week from tomorrow. " My initial reaction would be, "Why GOD?" Then a stream of questions would follow afterwards. "How GOD? What time GOD? Will she suffer GOD? Is it something I've done GOD? Please GOD can't you just leave her here a little bit longer for me?" That's why He's GOD. HE knows the best way. How in the world would I have ever been able to survive the next week knowing what was going to happen? That's why it's best we don't know. Even if HE would have told me when she was born that I would only have her 20 years, I would have dreaded it so the older she got. I couldn't have enjoyed having her. So I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You GOD for not telling us everything. Just take really good care of her for me.
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